


A John Constantine Story

by Troy4Keiy



Category: Constantine (TV), DC's Legends of Tomorrow (TV)
Genre: F/M, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-18
Updated: 2019-04-22
Packaged: 2019-09-22 02:26:03
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,469
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17051303
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Troy4Keiy/pseuds/Troy4Keiy
Summary: I tried a story about John Constantine's past. I haven't watched the movie and I didn't read all the comics yet. So don't be mad at me if not everything's correct or as you imagined. It's just my fantasy. Thank you, next. Hope you like it anyway❤





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I start with his birth and I will maybe do one year in each chapter. Let me know what you think!❤

Liverpool, 1981

It was a very cold day in janurary in England. It was one of the coldest days this winter and there was so much snow that a little kid could just sank in and would be gone.  
In all of this beautiful snow on all of the used-to-be green trees there was a Hospital. The only one of that little town in the North of England. And in this Hospital was a young blonde woman giving birth. It was a really hard birth. Mrs. Constantine and her husband were often at the hospital while the past months. At first it used to be twins but one of the babies got lost after a few months. Since that they had a lot of trouble while the pregnancy. Mr. and Mrs. Constantine already had a child. But with Sophie 13 years ago they didn't had as much trouble as they had now with the 2nd kid.  
It took hours till the little Baby finally was there. Hours while father and sister sat on the floor waiting for the little, new human to come out. When the mother finally could take him in his arms she smiled. She waited so long for him and didn't even believed anymore that she could hold him ever in her arms. After taking a last look on her little baby, she closed her eyes and fell asleep. Happy for her little Johnny finally being there and full of optimism for their future. She finally had the family, she wanted since she was a Teenager. A lovely husband, a daughter and a son. But after she closed her eyes in that cold janurary night, she never opened them again.

After the nurses took the baby from her and discovered that she wasn't going to wake up again they brought the baby to his dad and sister who were waiting for the new family member and told them that Mary Anne Constantine died right after the little boy was born. Mr. Constantine couldn't believe that he lost the love of his life. He screamed at the nurses and at the doctors that they killed her. After a lot of discussions he agreed that it wasn't their fault. "It's his fault!" Mr. Constantine said, pointing at the baby still laying in the arms of the nurse. Tommy Constantine left the hospital without any of his children.  
Sophie brought her little brother home the next day but their father didn't wanted to see him. "Why do you bring that killer in our house?! He killed your mother!" Tommy screamed.  
"He is your son. Don't you wanna at least welcome him? I miss Mommy too, but it's not his fault. He's just a baby."  
Tommy walked over to his children and looked down on the baby. "Hey there, Killer", he said and left to the kitchen.


	2. Kindergarten

Liverpool, 1984

"What are you doing?"  
John looked up from the sand and saw a boy right before him. He sat in the sand box with a shovel in his hands. "I'm digging."  
"What are you digging for?"  
"Nothing", John answered and continued digging.  
"Then why are you digging?"  
John sighed. Why didn't the other boy ignored him like all the other kids do? "I just wanna see how far I can dig."  
"Can I help you?"  
"If you find another shovel, sure."  
The other boy walked away and John continued his work.  
A little while later the boy came back to John with a shovel in his hands. "I found one!"  
John didn't answered but stepped aside so the bigger boy could dig right next to him.  
"I don't know your name."  
"Yeah."  
"Could you tell me your name?"  
"My name's John Constantine! And your's?" John asked back, looking up.  
"My name is Chas. Chas Chandler."

John and Chas played a while together til a voice disturbed them. "Chas! Your Mom is here!"  
"Yay", Chas said, got up and ran over to his mother who took him in her arms.  
John looked over to them and continued his work then.  
"How was your day, Chas?"  
"It was great! I made a new friend!"  
"That's good", Chas' mom smiled.  
"Can we invite him home to play?"  
"Sure, if his parents are okay with it."  
"John! Your sister's here!" the kindergartener said.  
John jumped up and ran over to his sister.  
She took his hand and was about to leave with him.  
"I'm sorry, Ms.?", Chas' Mom asked her. "My son, Chas said, that he would like to meet John at the weekend."  
"Yeah, I'm sorry, but our father wouldn't like that. Come on, Johnny", she said and left with her brother.   
"She's not really nice...", Chas' mother said. 

At home John was sitting in his room and played with his toy blocks when he heard screaming from downstairs.  
"You don't even allow me to see my friends! You're the worst father of the world!"  
"I have my reasons!"  
"No, you don't! You're just an asshole! And you're also terrible to your own son!"  
"That killer is not my son!"  
John walked over to his bed and started to hide under his blanket and covered his ears. But he could still hear them screaming.   
"I can't take this anymore!" Sophie screamed.  
John heard someone run up the stairs and then a door slam. The next he heard was loud music from the room next to his. This was almost every day the same. Sophie and his father screamed at each other, Sophie said she couldn't take it anymore and then runs to her room to hear music as loud as possible wich annoys their father even more til he leaves and don't come back til morning.

The next morning, John walked down to the kitchen, looking for his older sister who usually was in the kitchen, making breakfast. But she wasn't in the kitchen. So he walked over to the living room where is father was sitting in his chair and watched tv.  
"Where is Sophie...?" John asked.  
"She's gone."  
"What...?"  
"She left this night. Packed all her things and ran away", his father said and took a sip from the bottle in his hand.  
"When will she come back...?"  
"Oh little stupid Johnny-Boy. She will never come back. She left forever."  
"But... why...?"  
"Why? Why?! Because of you, little bastard! You're the reason she didn't wanted to stay anymore! Because you killled her mother! My wife! It's your fault, Killer! Now go to your room!"  
"But..."  
"I said "Go to your room!"! NOW!" John's father said and hit him in the face wich made John fall on his butt. He didn't wanted to cry. He wasn't a baby anymore. So he just ran upstairs into his room and hid under his blanket again. Then he started crying. But not in front of his father. Now the only person who was always there for him left him. And John never felt as alone as he felt in that moment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's a bit short. Sorry bout that.  
> But I wish you all good luck for 2019!  
> If you read this in the new year: Happy new year!


	3. School

Everything I know about school in England, I got from Wikipedia. So I hope it's pretty correct. Bc it's different from school in Germany.  
I hope you like it and leave a comment.

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Liverpool, 1992

It was the first day of school after summer vacation. And for a lot of kids was this the first day in a new class. For John and his best friend Chas it was the first day of High School. Since weeks John was very excited for his first day because High School was so much cooler than Junior School. That's why John woke up even before his alarm rang. He walked down the stairs and into the kitchen to find something to eat. The house was a total mess since Sophie left. She maybe was an annoyed Teenager most of the time but she was the only one who took care of the house. When their father was at home he was always too drunk to do anything besides sitting in his chair, watching TV, smoke and drink even more alcohol. Since a few years, John tried to do what his sister did but he wasn't even high enough to reach all of the cupboards, so that didn't work out. John also had no money to buy any food. From time to time he stole a bit from his father to buy food for them. He was so drunk that he didn't even notic when some money was missing. On this day there was still a bit bread, John could have for breakfast.  
"Why are you already awake?!"  
John looked up and saw his father, looking annoyed at him.  
"It's my first day of High School...", John explained.  
"Is that so?"  
John nodded.  
"Why do you even go there, Killer? It's not like you're smart enough to get an education anyway."  
"But..."  
"Are you arguing with me?!" Tommy asked.  
"N-no..."  
"Yes, you are!"  
"No, I'm not..."  
"You're doing it again! Just like your sister!" John's father said angrily and hitted his son in the face. "Now go! Go to your bloody school, you little bastard!"  
John took his bag and ran out of the house. He sat down at the street and leaned against the fence. Alone on the ground he closed his eyes and sighed. He tried to never cry in front of his father. Because than he would just hit him even more. But sitting out there with closed eyes and the warm calmy sunshine in his face, he was able to let a few tears out.  
"John?"   
He opened his eyes as he heard the familiar voice and looked up.  
Chas was standing beside him. "Are you okay?"  
John nodded and got up. "Yeah. Let's go. Or do you already wanna be late on our first day?"  
"No", Chas said and followed his friend in the direction of their new school.  
"How have you convinced your mum to let us walk to school?" John asked after he brushed the few tears on his face away.  
"I told her that it won't be cool if your mum brings you to your first day of High School."  
"And she said yes?"  
"Yeah. She said, I'm old enough to walk alone. And she said that I should look after you", Chas grinned.  
"No. I think, I should look after you."  
Chas smiled. "Sure."  
The school wasn't far away so after 15 minutes they arrived at their school.  
"This is so cool! I'm sure we're getting both girlfriends soon and then we will be the coolest guy's at school!"  
"Sure. Always stay optimistic, Chas. I'm sure no girl ever wants to talk to you."  
"But to you?"  
"Yeah. Cause I'm cool."  
"Sure", Chas said and rolled his eyes.  
"Hey", a girl said who was suddenly standing next to them.  
"Hey", John answered and looked at Chas with a look that said "Told you so".  
"Are you new here too?"  
"Yes. We are", Chas answered now.  
"Cool. You're the first I met here. So let's be friends. I'm Anne-Marie. But you can call me Annie", the girl said.  
"Nice to meet you, Annie. This is my friend Chas and I am John."  
"Nice to meet you too", Annie answered.  
The three walked together to the auditorium where the principal would have a speech for the new students. John used the walk to look at Annie. She was like his height, she had brown hair with locks which was just long enough to fall on her shoulders. She had a hairalide in her hair to hold her fringe out of her face which emphasised her brown eyes. She was wearing a blue dress and matching blue shoes. John was sure that she was dressed to pretty for a normal school day. Then again it wasn't a normal school day.

In the auditorium Annie sat down on the last chair on the left side.   
John and Chas looked at each other and ran to the one chair next to her. John was faster so he sat down beside the girl and Chas had to sit next to John.  
John looked around and at all the other students. As he looked to the door, he saw two young men, standing close to each other and talking quietly about something that seemed private. John wondered if their friends. But his thoughts got interrupted when two guys walked through the door next to the men. One guy was clearly older. He could be already 15 or even 16. He hold the backpack of the younger boy in his hands and threw it in the auditorium. "Catch, little boy", he grinned.  
"Mr. Lester", one of the men said in a sharp tone.  
"This is just brotherly love, Mr. Cooper", the older boy said to the man.  
"I think you should go to your class now."  
The boy nodded. "See you at home, Pussy!" he said to his brother and left.  
The younger boy took his bag and sat down on the next chair. He seemed a bit shy and looked to the ground immediately after he saw John looking at him.  
One of the men at the door left right after an elderly man came in. He could be in his late 60's and walked right to the stage followed by the man the other guy called "Mr. Cooper".  
"Welcome to the Liverpool High", the elderly man on the stage said after he had the attention. "My name is Walter Grey. I am your principal. And the young man next to me is Mr. Cooper. He is your math teacher. He is also the vice principal and the guidance counselor. So if you have any problems you can always come to him."  
"Right", Mr. Cooper said now. My office is right next to Mr. Grey's office and it's always open", he ended and smiled into the audience.  
John smiled too. He felt like Mr. Cooper would turn into his favorite teacher.

After the principal's speech wich was way too long, John, Chas and Annie were walking to the room they would have their first lesson. When they entered the room they discovered ten tables. Each with two chairs. John walked right to one of the tables in the back and Chas took the chair next to John. Annie asked a girl who sat at the table next to John and Chas if she could sit there.  
The shy boy was also in the room and looked out of the window.  
"Good morning, class." A woman with short hair walked into the room. "I am Ms. Evans. I am your biology teacher", she said and wrote her name on the board. "And the first thing you need to know about me is that I love partner projects. So I want all of you to get a partner for our first topic", Ms. Evans said and wrote the word "Flowers" under her name.

After school John and Chas were at the library to get a few books for their project.  
"This library is big... I'm looking over there and you there", Chas said, pointed in two different directions and then left in one of them.  
John looked around. Chas was right. There were a lot of books. They usually never go to the library. But now they had to.  
While John were walking through the shelves something catched his eye. He suddenly stopped walking at looked at the books to his right. The category he stopped at was called "Dark Arts". He looked at the books.  
"You're interested in the Dark Arts?"  
John looked up. There was an elderly woman behind him. She could be the same age as Mr. Grey. Or even older.  
"N-no... I don't even know why I am here. I was looking for books about flowers..."  
"Okay. But if you wanna start reading something about the Dark Arts, I would start with this one", the woman said and gave him one of the books.  
John looked at the book for a few seconds. It looked old and on the cover were a lot of signs he didn't know. He started looking through the book. It explained all the signs, John didn't know. "Thanks, but...", John said and looked up. But the woman was already gone.  
"John! What are you doing here?" Chas asked who now was standing beside him. "Come on. I found books we could use."  
"Okay...", John answered, put the book back in the shelf and followed his friend who had 4 books in his hands.  
"I'll take 2 with me and you'll take 2 with you", Chas said as he lent the books.  
John nodded and put 2 of the books in his bag.

John opened the door carefully. Usually his Dad was at the Pub at this time. But John was always afraid he could be there and hurt him. John sighed in relief as he saw that his Dad wasn't there. He walked up the stairs to his room and sat down on his bed with his bag. There were a lot of things lying on the ground of his room. He should clean it up again. A while ago, soon after his sister left, he did it everyday. Partly because his sister used to tell him to clean it up and he wanted her to be proud of him when she's back and partly because he was afraid that his Dad would hit him for an uncleaned room. But he gave his hopes up that Sophie will come back and he understands that. No one wants to live there and she was 18. Old enough to live alone.   
And his Dad never came into his room and would hit him anyway, so he had no reason to clean it up more often. And right now he felt like looking at the books, they brought from the library.  
John opened his bag and looked at the 3 books in there. "3?" he asked confused and took the books out. 2 very boring looking books about flowers and the book about Dark Arts the elderly woman gave him. He was pretty sure that he put that book back. How is it possible that it's in his bag now?

The next day was just like the day before. He argued with his father who hit him, Chas and John walked to school where they met Annie and then he tried to listen to the teachers all day. And after school, John walked to the library. Alone this time. At the counter cash desk he discovered the woman again.  
"Hi. Uhm I think, I accidentally took this book with me. I'm very sorry..." he said and put the book on the table.  
"Oh that's okay. You're still not interested? Because if you liked that book, there is another book I would really recommend", the woman said.  
John looked at her. He was reading that book the whole night and it was very interesting.  
"You know, sometimes we don't choose the book. Sometimes the book chooses us."  
John smiled a bit. "Thanks, Mrs...."  
"Please. Call me Rose."  
"Thanks Rose. I would love to read more about the Dark Arts."


	4. Gaz

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter took me so long. I hope it's at least almost as good as in my fantasy. Enjoy and leave a comment if you like it. Also there is an easter egg to the Hellblazer Comics (because I can't put everything from the Hellblazer Comics in here because it doesn't fit the timeline I created for this story). So I only put it as an easter egg in it.

Liverpool, 1996

When John closed the door behind him, Chas was already waiting at the fence in front of John's house.  
"Hey."  
"Hi", John answered and took out a pack of cigarettes and a box of matches. He took a cigarette and tried to light it with the matches.  
Chas patiently looked at him while he tried to light the cigarette. "Do you need help?"  
"Do you have a lighter?"  
"No. Why are you even doing that?"  
"Why not?" John asked and smiled when the cigarette was finally lit. "My dad's doing that too."  
"Right. Because he's the perfect role model."  
John sighed and started walking towards school.  
"By the way... Where were you yesterday?"  
"Why?"  
"You wanted to come to my house, remember?" Chas asked.  
"Right... Sorry, I forgot that..." John explained and looked to the ground.

That wasn't true. John would never forget to meet his best friend. Yesterday when he was about to leave, his father was there. He usually was only at home to sleep and not in the middle of the day. Or he slept in the middle of the day.  
"Where are you going?" he asked when John walked towards the door.  
"To Chas..."  
"Did I allow you to go there?"  
"I didn't even know that you're here."  
"You're not going."  
"Why?"  
"Because I told you so!"  
"Yeah whatever. I'm going anyway."  
"You're NOT going!" his dad said angry and threw an empty bottle of beer at John which crashed against the wall right beside John's head. "You're not going", he repeated again. "You're bringing me a new beer from the kitchen and then go to your room again."  
John went to the kitchen and brought his father the beer.  
"Now go back to your room."  
"But..."  
"No but! Go to your room!"  
"I just want..."  
"What do you want?!" John's father got up and punched him in the face. "I told you to go back to your room! Why are so disrespectful?!" He took his cigarette and pressed it on John's skin. John clenched his teeth's because otherwise he would have screamed because of the pain and he learnt that this only makes his father even more annoyed.

John took a deep drag of his cigarette.  
"You okay?" Chas asked.  
"Yeah sure."  
"Okay..."  
John could tell that Chas didn't believe him. But he didn't say anything.

John and Chas were the last to enter the classroom. The guys in the room were talking about some soccer-related things and the girls about shoes and clothes or something else John wasn't interested in. Annie got part of the cheerleader team, 3 years ago. Since then she always brought more people in their group of friends. Meanwhile there aren't only John, Chas and Annie anymore. Now there are also her Cheerleader friends Stacey, Maria and Renee and now also Maria's new boyfriend Tom and his best friend Terry. John didn't like they're group growing so fast. But at least now there are 4 hot girls at his table at lunch time so he's not complaining.  
John sat down and looked through the room again and then saw that guy that always was alone. He just sits there, drawing something on a paper. Since the first day of school, he was always alone. John didn't know anything about him even though they were classmates.  
"Hey Chas. Do you know anything about that guy over there?" John asked and looked over to him again.  
"No. But maybe Annie. She always knows everything about everyone", Chas answered.  
"Good idea", John said, walked over to the girls and jumped on Annie's table.  
"John, what are you doing??"  
He looked for the most comfortable position to sit on Annie's table and then looked at her. "I have one question. That guy over there. Do you know anything about him?"  
"Of course. That's Gary Lester. He is weird because he is always so quite. But Renee says that he is pretty smart but even when they have to work together for a project, he's almost not talking. And a big rumor is that he might be... gay..." She said the last word like she was assuming that he was a murderer. "But I already told you those things", Annie said and sighed. "Are you ever listening to me?"  
"Nope. Most times I'm just starring at your boobs."  
"John Constantine sitting on a table. Why am I expecting nothing else when I enter this classroom?"  
Ms. Evans appeared right behind him and smiled.  
"Good morning, Ms. Evans", John said.  
"Go to your table, John. And there you sit on the chair."  
John grinned, jumped from the table and sat down next to Chas. He looked over to the quite Gary and saw him looking back at him. John smiled at him and Gary looked away immediately.  
"Well today I have another partner work for you guys", Ms. Evans said smiling.  
"Hey, Chas. Okay if I work with soneone else today?"  
"Why?"  
"I just wanna work with someone else for once. You can work with Renee instead."  
Chas looked over to the blonde girl with a pair of glasses on her nose who looked at the other girls who already had a partner. "Mh okay. But with who are you working instead?" Chas asked and looked over to John who was already on his way to Gary.  
"Hi."  
"H-Hi...?" Gary looked up and into John's brown eyes.  
"Mind if we work together?"  
"Wh-what about your friend?"  
"I guess he's fine working with Renee for once."  
"O-okay..."  
John smiled and sat down next to Gary. "So, your name is Gary?"  
Gary nodded.  
"That is a pretty boring name. Do you have a nickname?"  
"My brother sometimes calls me some but they are never nice..."  
"Oh okay. Well I will figure out a name for you."  
"Okay..."

John and Gary were working on that project every day for the next few days and spent a lot of time together.  
"Hey guys", John said when he appeared at the table where he and his friends always sat at lunch time.  
"What is he doing here?" Maria asked pointing at Gary who was nervously standing next to John.  
"Oh that is Gary."  
"I know who he is. I asked you what he is doing here."  
"He's gonna eat with us."  
"Why?" Tom asked.  
"Because he is my friend", John explained.  
"You two are friends already?" Annie asked now.  
"Yeah. What is your problem with him. You don't even know him."  
"We don't want to know him", Maria said. "He is weird, ugly and probably gay."  
"So? What's the matter? He is just quite. Also he isn't ugly just because you think that. And even if he's gay. Why does it matter?"  
"Because I don't want someone like that near me or my boyfriend!"  
"Well then piss off. I never wanted you here. And if you're just insulting my friend you can also leave."  
"Okay. We go", Maria said and got up. "Right?"  
Tom, Terry and Stacey got up too.  
"Annie?"  
"I stay with John. Sorry..."  
"Renee?"  
"And I stay with Annie."  
"Your problem", Maria said and left with the others.  
"You shouldn't have done that..." Gary said.  
"Yes. I needed to do that", John said and sat down.

After school the smaller group of friends left the school and walked over to the cars because Gary said that his brother will pick him up there. On the parking lot there was a blue car with a guy leaning against it who was smoking a cigarette.  
"Is that your brother?" Annie asked.  
"Yeah", Gary answered.  
"He's hot", Annie smiled.  
"Yeah. ...Kind of. For a guy I mean...", John said and got a confused look from Renee.  
"Hey, Gary. You found yourself a few friends finally?" Gary's brother asked when they stood in front of him.  
"Hi... Uh those are John, Chas, Annie and Renee... Guys, this is my brother Ty..."  
"Hiiii", Annie smiled.  
John didn't look at Annie but from the sound of her voice it seemed like she liked that guy. And John could understand that. Ty had brown hair with beautiful green eyes and had a very cool aura the way he leaned against the car with the cigarette in his mouth. He was the kind of guy you could steal horses with. Not that John would think about a guy that way.  
"Hey Ty. I have a few problems with my matches", John said while putting out one of his cigarettes. "Do you maybe have a lighter?"  
"Aren't you a bit too young to smoke?"  
"No."  
Ty took his lighter and lit the cigarette in John's mouth. Now those green eyes were so close to John that he almost forgot to breathe.  
"You're welcome", Ty said when he took a step backwards and put his lighter back in his pocket.  
"Thanks..."  
"Okay, now come on, Minger, we have to go."  
"Don't call me that..." Gary said.  
Ty rolled his eyes. "Now get in the car."  
"You okay?" Chas asked while John was watching the car driving away.  
"Yeah... Sure..."  
"Okay. Are you maybe a bit jealous?" Chas asked now a bit more quite, that Annie couldn't hear them.  
"Why?"  
"Because of the way Annie looked at that Ty-Guy."  
"Chas, I didn't even see her looking at him."  
"Really? Why?"  
Because he looked at Ty that way himself. And that really scared him.

The next few months John and Gary spent a lot of time together. They worked together on every project now. Since there was still the rumor that Gary is gay and the coolest kids were now mad at John, it didn't take long until there was the rumor that there was something going on between John and Gary. But John never cared about what the others might think. He just loved spending time with Gary and after he told his other friends that Gary's parents had a lot of money, they were okay with it. Of course Gary wasn't rich but his parents had more money than John and his friends.

John and Gary were working on another project together at Gary's. But John couldn't concentrate. He didn't know what was happening. He really liked Annie. He did for a long time now. But in the last few months he thought more often of guys than he should. Sometimes he had things with Gary in his head, he should have with Annie. Or another girl. But not with him. John didn't know why he had those thoughts in his head. And it scared him.  
"John? Are you even listening to me?"  
John looked up and saw Gary looking at him.  
"Sorry... We're sitting here for hours now. This is boring. Let's do something fun."  
"John, the project is due on monday. And we have saturday."  
"See. We can do the rest tomorrow."  
Gary sighed and closed the book, he was reading in. "Then what do you wanna do?"  
"I would love to see your house."  
"You already know my house."  
"But I only know the places, you were allowed to show me. No one is here besides us, right?" John said.  
"Right... But John. If not even I am allowed to go there, I can't bring you to those rooms..."  
"Oh come on. Here has to be at least one room, you're not allowed to go in, that you want to see from the inside."  
"Well there is one..."  
John grinned. "See? So let's go."  
"You're a bad influence..." Gary got up and left the room followed by John. He walked over to the next room. It has a big T on the door. "This is Ty's room. I wasn't in here since at least 7 years."  
"And now we're going there together", John said and Gary smiled at him. John opened the door and stepped in, followed by Gary.  
"This room has changed a lot over the last years", Gary said.  
"For the better I guess", John said while looking at a few posters with almost naked women on it.  
"I don't like it that much..." Gary said while he looked through the room.  
John meanwhile sat down on Ty's bed but got up again when he had an idea.  
"What are you doing??" Gary asked.  
John kneeled down in front of the bed and looked under the mattress. "People always hide their secrets under the matress", he answered and took out a little small bag, a porn magazine and a few condoms. "See?"  
"John..."  
"So your brother is smoking weed?" John said, putting the small bag away and then looked at the magazine.  
"Put those things back..."  
"Why? Don't you like that?" he answered and showed Gary the magazine.  
"No."  
John put the magazine down and looked at Gary. "So the rumors are true? That you're not into girls?"  
"I don't know."  
"Okay."  
Gary thought that John would ask him more about it since his sexual orientation seemed to be so important to everyone but he just put the magazine and the small bag of drugs bag back at their place. John also put the condoms back but not without putting one in his pants pocket.  
"Let's do something more funny."  
"I thought this was fun already?" Gary asked.  
"Yeah but not enough Gar... Ga... Gary... I'm still thinking of a nickname for you..." John sighed and then something catched his eye. "Your brother left his car?" he asked while looking at Ty's car keyes.  
"Yeah."  
"He already showed you how to drive, right?"  
"Yeah..."  
John grinned.

"You really are a bad influence...", Gary said while he drove the car slowly down the street.  
"Oh come on, you're great at this", John smiled.  
"Where do you even want to go?"  
"Just follow the street."  
"This is the street out of town..."  
"I know."  
"John, I'm 15. I'm three years too young to drive a car legally and you want me to leave town??"  
"Gary, calm down. Right behind town is a meadow. I wanna go there. It's not too far away. You have to relax a bit. Live your life and do crazy things. It's too short to be afraid", John said and looked out of the window after he finished his speech.  
"I'm not like that. I'm not like you. I took Ty's car because of you. Every stupid thing I do, is because if you. But I am not like that...", Gary said.  
"Sometimes you have to get away from your wanky life", John said while he watched the "You're now leaving Liverpool"-sign appearing and then disappearing through the window.  
"You... Wanna talk?"  
"No. Stop here."  
Gary drove to the side of the street and stopped there.  
"Come on", John said and got out of the car, followed by Gary. "Who's first at the tree", he said then and ran to the tree.  
"Hey that's unfair. Wait!" Gary said and followed him.  
John was the first at the tree. When Gary appeared he suddenly jumped in front of him. Because of that Gary ran into him and both fell to the ground.  
"Why did you do that?" Gary asked laying on John who just grinned at him.  
"Because it's fun."  
"No."  
"Yes..." John looked into Gary's bright eyes. He never noticed how beautiful his eyes were. Unlike his brothers eyes, Gary's had a special mix of blue and grey. "You have beautiful eyes, Gaz..."  
"What?"  
"Uh nothing... I just found you the perfect nickname. Gaz... We-we... We should get up..."  
"Okay..." Gary said and got up.  
"Let's climb on that tree", John said, already being funny and confident again like always.

John and Gary sat a long time on that tree and just talked about random stuff.  
"This is a beautiful sunset", John noticed after a while.  
"Wait... Sunset?" Gary asked. "It's getting dark already? Bollocks! I have to go home. Before my parents come back..."  
"Okay", John said and jumped down from the tree.  
Gary looked at John on the ground.  
"Come on. What are you waiting for?"  
"Uhm... Was it that high all the time...?"  
"Yeah. Wait. Are you afraid to jump?" John asked with a little smile on his face.  
"It's it's just so high..."  
"Do you trust me?"  
"What?"  
"Do you trust me?" John repeated.  
"Yeah..."  
"Then close your eyes and jump. I promise I'll catch you. Trust me."  
Gary sighed, closed his eyes and then jumped.  
John did catch Gary but he wasn't strong enough so he fell backwards and Gary layed on him.  
"Are you okay?" Gary asked.  
"Yeah. Are you?"  
"Yeah."  
"If you want me to catch you, you have to stop eating sweets", John grinned and rolled them over so he layed on Gary now.  
"Ey. That's mean..."  
"You know that I don't mean it like that."  
"Yeah..."  
There were Gary's eyes again. They seemed even more beautiful in the orange light of the sunset. They were so close, John couldn't resist and got even closer to put his lips on Gary's.

On Monday John was leaning against the fence in front of his house with a cigarette in his mouth and was playing with the golden lighter in his hand. Since he got home on Saturday evening, he was thinking. Thinking about what happened on that meadow. He kissed Gary Lester. And he liked it. John had no idea what that means. Does that mean that he was into guy's now? But he had such a big crush on Annie. After Gaz brought him home he had said to John that he now is sure that he's not into girls. Why is it so easy for other people. Everyone knows exactly what they want but he doesnt. Why is that so hard?  
"Hey. You're okay?"  
John looked up from the lighter in his hand. Chas was standing in front of him. "Yeah."  
"Where did you get the lighter from?" Chas asked, following his friend towards school.  
"Got it from my dad. He was passed out on the couch. He didn't even notice me taking it."  
"And you're sure that you're okay?"  
"Yeah why not?"  
"You were so happy the last few weeks. And now you look so sad again... what happened?"  
John sighed. He had to talk about that with someone. So why not with his best friend since kindergarten? "On saturday Gaz - Gary, Gaz is my new nickname for him, and I were working on that project for Ms. Evans. But we got bored and stole his brother's car."  
"I guess you got bored and he just followed you", Chas said.  
"Yeah maybe. But that's not the point. So we drove to that meadow right behind town. We ran around, climbed on a tree, talked a lot and just had a great time. But then things happened and we fall to the ground, he was laying on me and... and then..."  
"What happened then? Wait... did he kiss you?"  
"What?"  
"It's pretty obvious that he has a crush on you and you seem really upset."  
"But that's not what happened... well not exactly..."  
"Then what happened?"  
"I kissed him."  
"You did what?"  
John looked to the ground. He didn't think that through. What if Chas hates him now like everyone else in school hates Gaz just because they thought that he could be gay.  
"Wait... but what about Annie? I thought you like her", Chas asked.  
"I do... But... I don't know..."  
It was quiet for a few minutes between them. In that time John finished his cigarette and thought about his feelings for Annie and the really great kiss with Gaz.  
"We should go to the library after school. You are clearly confused about your feelings right now and they have books there about literally everything. So instead of reading this stupid books about magic all the time, you could read a useful one for once. I bet they have one that could help you", Chas said.  
"Okay... thanks, Chas..."  
"Sure", Chas said and smiled.  
Maybe John's fear was stupid. Chas was a great friend and didn't care about those things.

So after school John and Chas searched in the library for a book that could help John in that situation. But they searched for a while and didn't find anything useful.  
"How about if we ask someone who works here?" Chas asked.  
"No... come on we have to find something. You look at the shelf over there and I look here", John said.  
"Okay..." Chas walked over to another shelf.  
"You need help?" Rose was suddenly standing behind John.  
"Hello Rose", he smiled. "Uhm I need a book but we don't know what exactly we are looking for..."  
"What do you need that book for?"  
"There is this girl I like... but saturday I kissed a guy. And now I don't know if I am maybe gay or not... I'm confused..."  
"I think I have a good book for you", Rose said. "Follow me."  
John followed her through the shelves to a door. Behind the door there was a tiny room. And in that room were a lot of books, mostly about the Dark Arts. On a wardrobe John saw a brown trenchcoat. Also there was a mirror and a lot of candles in the room.  
"Here, take this." Rose gave John a book called "Bi Any Other Name". "I think this could help."  
"Thanks, Rose."  
"Also I have this tape you maybe should listen to." Rose gave John a walkman with a tape in it. "There are all songs by a new band from London, called Mucous Membrane on it and the song "Wonderwall" by Oasis. I always listen to those songs when I am confused or something. So it's a gift."  
"Oh, thanks, Rose", John smiled.  
"I'm coming with you to the counter so you don't have to lend the book from Stacey. She's in your school, right?"  
"Right. Thanks... again."  
John completely forgot that Stacey's working in the library from time to time to have more money for clothes and shoes. And she would've told Annie immediatly what book John got from the library.

Half an hour later John opened the door of the house. For his surprise his father was at home.  
"John!"  
And already mad at him again.  
John wanted to sneak up before his father notice him but it was already too late. He wasn't sitting in his chair or laying on the couch like usually. He was standing next to the door and seemed to be waiting for John.  
"Did you took my lighter?!"  
John didn't think that his father would notice the missing lighter. "Why should I?"  
"Because it's gone!"  
"You don't even use that thing. You usually use matches."  
"It belonged to your mother! She got it from her father! You wanna take everything that's left from her, Killer?!"  
"I didn't take your lighter..."  
Instead of answering his father punched him in the face. "Go to your room!"  
John ran up the stairs, lucky that he got away so easily. He would never give him the lighter back.

John read that book and listened to the music from Rose the whole night. The book taught him that he didn't have to choose one gender if he doesn't want to. He can like both. Girls and boys. It made John happy to finally know what's up with him and that his feelings are not wrong.  
"You look happier again", Chas said, smiling when he appeared at the fence, they were always meeting.  
"Because I am."  
"So the book by that book-lady helped?"  
"It did. And the music I got from her is so amazing", John said and put the Walkman with the tape from Rose with in his bag and lit a cigarette instead with the lighter he took from his father.  
"What did you find out? You know now if your gay or straight?"  
"Yeah. None of the above."  
Chas looked at John.  
"I like both. Boys and girls. That's called bisexual."  
"Oh. Okay."

When they entered school, Annie joined them. "Good morning guys. How are you?"  
"Great, Annie, Luv", John said, layed an arm around her and kissed her cheek what made her blushing.

"John!"  
John was about to go to Lunch Break when he heard Gaz calling his name.  
"Gaz. Hi", he smiled.  
"Uhm is... is everything okay between us...?" Gaz asked shy, barely looking into John's eyes.  
"Yeah sure. Why not?"  
"You seemed pretty upset after saturday... I thought that maybe you had a problem with me after..." Gaz lowered his voice a bit. "You know... the kiss..."  
"You remember that I kissed you, right?"  
Gaz looked surprised at John and then at the other students around them. It surprised him that John just said that out loud.  
"Right now I'm in love with Annie but I'm attracted to guys too", John explained.  
"So you like guys?"  
"Yeah."  
"But you're in love with Annie?"  
"Yeah."  
Gary looked at him in confusion. "O-okay...?"

When John got home, he just hoped that his dad either wasn't home or just wouldn't notice him. He got disappointed. He was at home. John got through the door as quiet as it was possible. His father was sitting in his chair with a beer in his hand and watched tv. He completely ignored John, so he just got up the stairs and opened the door of his room. As soon as he entered the room, he froze. His room was a complete mess. None of his things were where they were supposed to be. His clothes were laying on the ground, most of them ripped. His one jacket he left at home because it was so warm that day was completely destroyed. But what affraid him the most was that his mattress wasn't at it's place anymore. It was laying on the ground. "No..." Under his mattress John is always hiding his books about the Dark Arts. This morning he put his book about sexuality from Rose there. But it wasn't there anymore and John was never scared so much in his life when he imagined what his father would do now that he found this book.  
"Looking for something, Killer?" His father was suddenly standing right behind him.  
John didn't turn around he was too afraid. He cringed and got even more afraid when his father threw the book in the room.  
"What are you thinking? You think you can bring this Bollocks in my house?! You're not only a killer but also a bloody perv!" John's father turned him around and he just closed his eyes while he waited for the pain wich came just a second later. His dad hit him one time, then a second time and the third time was so hard that John fell to the ground. John didn't know how long he was sitting on the ground and waited until his father was finished hitting him. But then it stopped. John opened his eyes and saw his father opening his belt and losing it from his pants. John used the second his father wasn't attentive and ran to the bathroom.  
"JOHN!"  
John locked the door behind him and sat down on the ground. While he listened his father hitting against the door and screaming at John to open the door, he quietly started crying. John sat there for a pretty long time until his father went quiet. Probably he got bored and went back to his beer. John got up and looked in the mirror. He looked terrible. His cheeks were red from the beats of his father and he was bleeding. From all the people who could be like that why did it have to be him? This morning he was so happy because he finally knew what was up with him and now he just wished, he could be like Chas or the other guys in school, just attracted to one gender. John hit angry against the mirror. Now his right hand bleeded too. He looked at the shards and the blood on his hands. Then he took one of the shards. While he watched himself in the last big shard from the mirrow hanging on the wall he thought about how he promised himself to never do again what he was about to do. But in the same moment he thought about how stupid and wrong it was, he pricked the shard into his underarm. He watched the blood running out of his veins. He knew how to do it the right way, so he could just bleed out. But then he remembered about Annie and that he would never be able to tell her how much he likes her. So he took a towel to stop the bleeding. He sat down on the ground again and waited until he heard his father driving away. John closed his eyes and just wished that he could finally crash his bloody car against a bloody tree.

The next day John skipped school. He only left the house to bring the now broken book back to Rose.  
"John!" Rose looked worried at the young boy. "What happened to you?"  
"Nothing... but your book... it's broken, I'm sorry..."  
"Doesn't matter", Rose said, taking the book from him. "Come with me, John", she said and walked over to the room where she gave him that book.  
John followed her and looked through the tiny room again.  
Rose put the book on a table. "You can take another book if you want to."  
John put the walkman he had with him to continue listening to the music from Rose next to the book.  
"I hope the book helped", Rose said.  
"It did", John answered while he looked at the other books about the Dark Arts and took one out of the shelf.  
"Good choice", Rose smiled. "Don't you have a jacket?" she asked and looked at John's bare arms.  
"It's broken...", he said and pulled his arms close to his body to hide the cuts in his arms.  
"I have one I don't need", Rose said and took the Trenchcoat from the wardrobe.  
"I don't think that will fit..."  
"Try it."  
John took the brown Trenchcoat and put it on. Like he thought it was too big for him.  
"See?"  
"It will grow on you. You know I got it from my mum. It once belonged to her father. And he always used to say that it is quite magical. It is like a lucky charm."  
John smiled a bit and took his lighter out of his pants pocket to put it in the Trenchcoat.  
"Where did you get that lighter from?"  
"From my dad. It belonged to my mum's father. Why?"  
"It just looked familiar...", Rose said. "Did you know that you can hide things in there?"  
"Really?" John asked surprised.  
"Yeah. Can I have it?"  
John nodded and gave it to her.  
Rose took it and opened the ground. "See. There is something in it", she said and gave it back to John who was looking at the books and didn't notice that she opened it.  
"Really?" he asked and took it. "That is a picture of my mum..."  
"Is that so?" Rose asked and looked at John.  
"Thanks, Rose. Without you, I wouldn't have noticed that."  
"No problem."

When John left the library in the new coat, he felt better. He turned the music on his walkman on and then lit a cigarette with the lighter. Then he walked home with the book and the walkman in his hands and the cigarette in his mouth. The Trenchcoat was pretty comfortable. He was definetly going to wear it more often.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you found the easter egg, you're getting a cookie :D  
> Thanks for reading <3


End file.
